Tales from a Cardboard Fort

The Perfect Job Opens Up!

2009-05-04T14:11:00.000-04:00

This was a post from 11/15/07 that was everyone's favorite I believe. Enjoy!

Yeah, you heard me. Or read me. whatever.

PERFECT JOB, for me at least. I can't think of a better one in the world.

Bat Boy - St. Louis Cardinals.
Pay - $6.50/Hr
Requirements (According to the listing):

Must be at least 16 years of age

Flexibility to work 81 home games days between March 30, 2008 and September 20, 2008 and all additional home post-season games

Must be an outstanding student

Physically able to lift a minimum of 40 lbs.

Link (probably not for too long)

Everything but the "outstanding student" and "physically able" part I'm perfectly qualified. I hit the weight room, and call a few professors and I'm a shoe in.

Why Ryan, why would you take a pay cut and move all the way back to St. Louis for a job any 16yr old could do?

If you seriously asked that question you either:

a. have never seen my cubicle covered in cardinals stuff
b. have never seen the old Busch stadium Seats I have in my apartment
c. searched on Google for "how to make a kickass cardboard fort" (actual search)
d. have no idea who I am.

I am the biggest (tie) cardinals fan I know. 2006 was the best baseball year of my life. I went to Spring Training in Florida, all 3 opening games in Philadelphia, caught 2 games in St. Louis, AND went to Every Round of the playoffs, including the deciding Game 5 when my boys won it all.

I check 3 cardinal websites first thing every morning, and watch every game I can. In the off-season, I continue to check everyday (sometimes multiple times) to see if we'd made any FA moves or trades.

In simple terms, I'm obsessed.

And that brings me to one of my greatest highs, and unfortunately greatest lows of my life.

The time was Summer, 2005. The last year of Busch Stadium (2), the only theater of combat I'd ever known in St. Louis. I'd seen them win there and seen them lose there and this was it's final year. They were tearing it down at seasons end.

In my whole life, I had never been on the field. I had never run the bases. But on that fateful day, the gods shined down upon me. An announcement rang over the loud speaker:

"At the end of today's game, all children under the age of 16 are welcome onto the field to run the bases."

H
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S
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"Mom, mom, mom we have to go, I have to do it. Please!? PLEASE?!" - me

"Of course, you couldn't miss that for you life, but how, you're 23 years old, you don't look 16!"

Whatever, I said, we'll figure it out when the time comes. I'm sure there will be other people my age and older running the bases.

Game ends and the line starts to form, probably 1,000 people, who knows. By the time we reach it, it's literally circling around the stadium. Oh well, we're doing it. Get in line I say.

As the line moves I can't help but notice the throngs of children in line. I could be in trouble.

I start scheming in my head, as does my mom who knows how much it would mean to me. I can't be sure who came up with it first, I'm not sure I want to take credit for it, but the plan we came up with was genius no matter how offensive it may be.

DISCLAIMER: If you are Offended by the next section, I am truly sorry and in no way shape or form did I intend to do that. Sometimes what is necessary and what is right aren't always the same thing. This may have been neither, we shall see.

We exit the tunnel in left field onto the warning track, and see the line circle all the way to first base, where there are a TON of Official Cardinal Reps guiding people and passing them along. (Mostly for little kids, but certainly also to keep older than 16 off the bases).

As we got closer and closer my smile got brighter and bigger. I can't contain myself, but I also can't give myself away. I initiated the plan somewhere around the right field foul pole.

I acted mentally challenged.

What 3rd graders and younger call "retarded" and the impressions we did those days before we knew how offensive it was, I did at 23. I cocked the arm, I smiled crooked. I held it. All the way to first base.

The usher passed me along like I was a little kid. "There ya go buddy."

I've never felt more joy, disgust, satisfaction and fear all at once in my life.

I wanted to break into a sprint around the bases as if I just hit a screamer into the corner, but I was so afraid of getting caught and yelled at that I held the pose the whole way around. Right until the end. Right until home plate. Where you couldn't stop me from being the real me (after this some might challenge my supposed mental state).

Me on the field afterwards.

I smiled. Slammed my feet on the plate, and walked away. To my mom. Who was smiling. And laughing. What kind of son did I raise, must've been the thoughts going through her head.

A dedicated one, mom. A dedicated one.

So now maybe you'll understand why I'll leave my engineering degree, my government job, and my very best friend for a job in middle America.

Go Cards.

Yes, he is a sick individual. Sorry about that. please send hate mail and or "de-friend" requests to theoriginalrs@gmail.com . Mailbag next week, please get in the best of the best.

Inauguration 2009

2009-01-21T13:12:00.024-04:00

Welcome Back!

Tales from a Cardboard Fort is happy to return after an 8 month hiatus! If you're interested in old posts, please let me know, I'll be happy to put up reader's "old favorites".

But it's a new year and, as of yesterday, a new President!

I was fortunate enough to be granted with the opportunity to go to the Inauguration, and even far luckier to be gifted a Ticket that put me closer than about 1.5 million people. Special thanks to George Miles for the hook-up of the year!

When I returned home from the event, I poured my thoughts onto the computer, so it may seem a little disorganized, but below is a copy of it. Pretty much from waking to collapsing on my bed. Click on Pictures for blown up versions, especially the overhead Satellite View.
Hope you enjoy, and thanks for returning.

Ryan

---
Got up a little late.
Showered, dressed warmly, got some coffee and headed out the back door.
Got to the bus stop on wisc and calvert. Stood in line with 25 other people.
The bus came, and let on 3 people.
Decided to walk to the mall. Headed down Wisconsin at a brisk pace.
Started talking to a stranger, Bruce Nolan, a small business owner from Leesburg, VA.
We talked about Obama, we talked about politics, and hope and our excitement was bubbling over. We walked together all the way to the Washington monument. We passed scores of people, all happy and bundled tight. We crossed streets and hustled past trees and streetlamps. Made it to the mall and Washington monument.
We looked back upon the Lincoln memorial and the scores of people wash into the mall, wave upon wave.
I met George and John and we needed a way to go all the way to the front. The front of a million people... we weren't running on time. We walked around the mall, taking detours on side streets, walking most of the time against the grain of traffic. We were "ticket holders" we were going to the front.
Security was a cinch, walked right through, no line, opened my jacket and that was it.
We moved up, and attempted to cross third street. It was fenced off on both sides, with 2 small openings controlled by police.
They weren't letting anyone go through, we moved to the second entrance and waited, then they let us. It was amazing. We could walk right up to the reflecting pool (well, at least a few people away from it.), we could see the capitol, the jumbo screen, and when we turned around, we could see the millions behind us. We were as close as regular people could get, it was amazing.
We stood behind two girls who had been up partying all night, we laughed at the corny music, we joked at bush and cheney, we anxiously hung on every note knowing the next one was one closer to the man.
We saw brief pictures of his limo, or what we thought was his. We cheered at every one.
We saw Clinton and biden and jimmy carter.
We waited. Some booed bush, some cheered, most just couldn't hold back from yelling Obama's name. you could taste the happiness in the air.. people were smiling and waving and taking millions of pictures.
Obama was announced and the crowd roared. Flags waved and hands raised to clap and cheer, and plenty of clenched fists, symbolizing more than just black power, but the sweet feeling of victory for every american.
Rev rick warren gave an opening prayer, a bit too religious, but nonetheless a good message, I was surprised at my reaction.
Aretha Franklin stirred every goosebump in my body. People swayed together and absolutely could not help from smiling. I couldn't feel my toes, my knees and back were aching like a geriatric, but all I could really feel was the warmth in my face. I had been blushing for hours.
Joe Biden was sworn in and I finally felt like it was about to happen. Everyone felt it. The charge in the people around me could have lit up new york. Barack Obama was about to get sworn in. He was about to be OUR president. My President.
And then it happened. He took the oath, a small slip up, but he took the Oath. And people we happy. I was happy. I grabbed George's shoulder with my hand and shook him. Thank you for taking me here.
The crowd was mostly silent for President Obama's speech. Some cheers here and there, the appropriate spots for clapter. A few people felt the need to agree with him at certain times, with a whispered "yes", or "that's right."
At the end of his speech, the applause was not as long or as loud as I thought it'd be. I suppose it was the somber tone of it.
Leaving the scene was literally a nightmare. Millions of people all trying to go in different directions.
I pretty much left the way I came in, except going against the grain with a few thousand other people. it didn't really make it any easier. It was just insane.
Choke points for police control were leading to massive bottle necking and people starting to freak out.
I hopped a barrier and went through an opening in the porta-potties that someone had made. It was probably a few people that actually helped move an entire john, but it gave people another route.
I made it back to the wash monument and was absolutely dead tired. I was also starving. I didn't eat breakfast and had been going for a good 7 hours.
I stopped at a refreshment stand and got a hot dog and some lays chips.
I plopped on the lawn in front of the monument and snacked away. I laid down for a minute just to rest, but soon after I was on my way back home. I took the same route as Sunday (the concert) and made it home.
Exhausted. my legs feel like jelly.
What a day.
I'll never forget it. Ever ever ever.

Photos:

Bus Stop - 6:45 AM - Jan 20th, 2009
Approaching the Wash Monument from the West - 7:50Am

Wearing a Red Hat so George could Find me. Lincoln Memorial in Background.On our way to the Front. 8:45AMView Back from the Front!Right THERE!!I Barack Hussein Obama...Mass ExodusWind Burned Face. Can't stop the smile :)
Up Virgina Ave.

ME!The WALK - 5.6 Miles Each Way

More photo's can be found on Facebook.

Ryan is happy to be back, and relieved that you have revisited this web page. He cannot promise it will ever been clever or intelligent, just that he will try to entertain. Write him for a new mailbag at theoriginalrs@gmail.com.

The Perils of a Place We Love

2007-01-07T10:42:00.002-04:00

With the Christmas shopping season over, I bring to you something that all men, everywhere, need to be made aware of. This is something that definitely should have been made public months before Christmas, and really something you should have been told soon after birth. There is one place on earth you can never go alone. Not ever. This place will excite your imagination, awe you with endless possibilities, and ultimately bleed you dry. Of course, I can only be speaking of Best Buy.

My friends, let me be the first to say that Best Buy has been my home away from home for many years, and is a wonderful place. I love it. Seriously, love... But there comes a point in a man's life when he's making more money than he ever did before, and suddenly Best Buy goes from his friend to his enemy. That is why you, my dear lost soul, must never go alone.

Imagine the possibilities? Imagine the situation. You've just gotten your paycheck, you have an entire weekend ahead of you, and BB is along your ride home. Why not stop? See what they have to offer, play PS3 for an hour or so. Seems like a good idea... WRONG. You've just given yourself a VIP card to the best party in Hell. You've just jumped into a pool of endless euphoric sin. You've immersed yourself in the last standing domain of all things Man. The bottom line, once you're there, you have lost all control.

The place is built like a casino: bright lights, flashing signs, blaring speakers, no readily accessible or visible exits... It's a maze of toys for men. I was there yesterday and I swear there was a dude just wheeling around a Plasma TV on a handcart in a circle around the store. As if you didn't notice (read: run straight to) the 400 HDTV's on the right side of the store.....

Thank you, Asian people. Thank you.

And the thing to be most wary of, the deals are everywhere! Buy TWO video games, and we'll give you a 10 dollar gift card! Why not?! I'm going to get two video games someday, might as well get 2 now. It's a great financial decision. Pat me on the back, Forbes. Haha. Gotcha. All 42inch LCD TV's 15% off! This is great! I'm going to get one in my lifetime anyway, might as well strike while the iron is hot. Good work sucker, now you can't eat anything but Ramen for 3 months.

Going to BB with a wingman is the only solution. Granted, abstinence is the safest course of action (thank you SexEd), but I understand the need to indulge. Here are some ground rules to follow when selecting said wingman:

1. A girl is always the better option. They aren't fooled by the lights or something
If you can't find a girl that won't make you leave in 10minutes after you get what you 'need':
2. A friend that is broke. He'll shame you into moderate spending.
3. A roommate/housemate that will be jealous if you get something awesome. He'll convince you it isn't necessary out of pure jealousy.

Who NOT to take:

1. A buddy that you play video games with. a lot. They'll convince you of anything.
2. A roommate who realizes that your 27inch TV just isn't big enough...
3. Any man. Ever.

Now that you know the rules, go forth and prosper. And spend wisely. And check out Best Buy's deal on iPod accessories....Sweet!

Ryan is currently saving up money for a new car, but swears he almost bought a Wii at his latest trip to BB. What have you blown your cash on lately? Write Ryan at spiesrj@gmail.com !

Side Discussion (How annoying is it when you're actually in BB with a girl and you have to explain to them why the more expensive _____ is better? "Honey, LCD is just better!" "Listen, I don't know what the hell progressive scan is, but it's on the nicer/more expensive models, so I want it!" "A 10 megapixel camera is SO much better than a 5, I can't even describe it." Damn it Rita, just let me spend my money foolishly!)